S-P-N-AUGE

its the good that won't come out of us

Sun, 24 May 2009 13:40:35 GMT

the past several weeks....i guess month or so, have been proving to be a compressed version of every terrible pattern I'm used to creating.

my soon to be ex roommate proved to me all the reasons i need to move out in less than two minutes.

my preamble to this wonderful story begins 3 years ago. in a not so blissful relationship, i made several not so hot judgments about money and sharing it. needless to say i ruined my credit for the next couple of years. unable to get an apt on my own i was forced on couches when the relationship didnt work. after a lot of stress and credit collector phone calls, with the help of my very convincing mother, i settled all of my debts. still unsure about my credit, i up until the past week, have never put my name on a lease.
which leads to being a roommate of someone else's or sleeping on my ma's couch for as long as she would have me. so roommate is what i chose this time last year. i roomed with a girl i recently acquired in my life. a girl i thought to be a close friend. which im sure was one of the problems i was very unaware would cause a problem. im an only child. most of the time i spend at home i want to feel safe and uninterrupted. instead of placing these ideals on people i live with, i usually just retreat into my room. a habit i have yet to break. i think my keeping to myself ruined our ability to have a friendship. and i had no idea what it was like not to be friends with this girl. i constantly felt like i was doing something wrong or was intruding in my own home. when talking hadn't worked i decided it was time for my departure. though we hadn't signed a lease, i know that legally i had to give a months notice. so i did. i payed for rent the next month in full and the overdue bills. over $600. i was told that i would get the money back. mainly what i got was silence and disdain. which i was sad about but tried not to make it about me, because i knew it wasn't. most people that were around knew what happened. most of them knew what i did to compensate my former roommate.
my next roommate had a very clear understanding of what had happened and seemed to think it was more than generous to do what i did to leave the situation. 7 months later i decided i no longer wanted to be in at home. being able to hear the person who lives in the apartment above you isn't the best. especially when one of the tenets above you brings someone home at 6am and fucks them until 7am. did i mention that you can hear conversations they have upstairs? oh yes and i guess the kicker is that you were seeing them for a couple of months until about 3 days prior. needless to say i made some not so hot judgments and landed myself in a situation i no longer wanted to continue. between my roommate being more than passive aggressive...bordering on psychotic with his extreme ups and downs, and the guy i was seeing briefly upstairs, i couldn't come home. i constantly felt like i was doing something wrong or was intruding in my own home. so i told my roommate i was going to start looking for an apartment, which brings me almost completely up to date. 3 months prior when i had mentioned it as a possibility i was met with understanding and concern, now i was met with hostility and threats. unfortunately for me, i hate confrontations and really try to do my part in making sure no one can hold a grudge. i want people to be happy and content. especially if i consider them my friends. so even though the situation didnt call for it, i want to give my roommate 2 months rent in addition to the months notice and rent i had already given. his response consisted of him telling me it wasnt good enough and to return a gift he had given me for christmas so that he could sell it to make up for rent i wouldnt be there for. the present was a lens to replace my broken one on my camera. something i never asked for and was hesitant upon receiving. a present i was asked not to tell how i got.
this is my conclusion. i will give him two months rent. i will give him back the present he gave. and i will cut my ties. i dont care enough about money to let it own me. i would gladly give it to someone that seems to be in more need. whether or not its my problem. i will return things given to me if the person needs it back. what i cant understand, what has hurt the most is building a relationship and friendship with these people only to discover i never knew them in the first place. that my roommate, friend, a person i work with in the art community, would find their behavior towards me necessary and justified.
i feel like im a pretty good person. and though my skin is calloused im nothing but mush on the inside. i really try to provide my friends with everything i have to share. im finding now that sometimes no matter how good you are to others or how much of the "right thing" you try to do, some people are still just that, people. and they have their own process with their own timeline that not only doesnt include me, but isnt about me.
my soon to be roommate i prophesies going better than the rest. mainly based on her not giving a shit about what i do, and being very unconcerned and rational. also her ability to play kitty and take naps all the time. her chill attitude along with her love of playing cards and talkin shit, im pretty hopeful about this one.
so if this doesnt work out, im certain to live under a bridge before i have another roommate. which at this rate isnt far off with all the money and stress ive handed over.

i am jack's hope of belonging

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:05:20 GMT

i went threw some of my writing on here recently.
two conclusions:
1. sometimes i'm an idiot
2. sometimes i amaze even myself

i like being able to see my process.
reading these entries was refreshing. mainly because i have a tendency of selling myself short of knowing that i can make it through, or having even a bit of clarity in moments that i was sure i was completely blind.

i'm really excited about my memoir.
i'm really grateful that i decided to live.
i'm really fortunate to have such a beautiful clan of people that support me like no others.

you have given me much more than i could ever describe as being life changing.
you have given me tools for life, you have given me hope, you have given me clarity, you have given me...me.

and, one day, hopefully real soon, i'm going to be able to show you how much that means to me.

i did it

Mon, 26 May 2008 22:07:55 GMT

i did it. then didnt have much class at the end of it all. i am remorseful about the last part, but all in all i know i can survive it.

my tooth fell out. now i'm getting a gold one.

Wed, 14 May 2008 05:28:07 GMT

the worst is reality when you don't much feel up to it.
the worst is finding yourself looking for new escapes when all the old are gone.
the worst is knowing with every ounce of you that do not belong where you have put yourself.
the worst is fighting the ending. not the end itself, but the process of the end.

the comfort that i have, the reassurance, and gentle smiles don't live here anymore.
the comfort i have is i know only a phone call away/
the comfort i have the most access to is only a couple of hours away.
the comfort i have i know will not abandon me, only reassign itself.

and i know it is coming. and i fear what this time's end will bring.

am i ready? can i take on all that it comes with?

because this can not be like all the other times. it does not feel like the other times. i think that is the scariest part. frozen.

Thu, 01 May 2008 04:00:59 GMT

im here. helping....not really helping.
being apathetic.
i hope i can shake this.
mainly because they are definitely my favorite.

so it goes

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 19:29:39 GMT

before i got sober i was engaged to a boy named david carson. i had just turned 16. my addiction was at its worst. david and his family tried to take care of me the best that they knew how.
eventually right before i turned 17 i got sober. david took me to every meeting, almost everyday. his family and i celebrated my 1 month sober together with cake and presents and a card i still have.
when i had about 6 months sober david and i split up. 9 months later we were best friends. he convinced me to get my first tattoo. we decided to get matching ones.
by then he had joined the cost guard and was stationed half way across the us. we hardly saw each other but talked almost every week or so on the phone.
when he would come into town once every 1 to 2 years we would hang out talk about old times and hang out with our mutual friends and his family.
last year his mother had breast cancer and had a mastectomy. she struggled through chemotherapy and lost most of her hair. but of course she made it through. and was back to her normal, joking, laughing, caring, loving self.
david called and told me he was coming into town and should be here on monday. sunday he called his mom to let her know he was headed to the airport and on his way home. she said she wasn't going to be able to make it to the airport because her back was bothering her a bit that day.
david made it into town monday afternoon. monday night his mother, charlotte, was rushed to the ER because she could move. the next day they did some tests and noticed on one of the xrays there were some black spots. they did an MRI scan and found that cancer was in every inch of her bones. they immediately put her through radiation treatment. friday after more tests, it was discovered that cancer had completely infected every inch of her body. her blood, every cell. and half her heart. the doctors gave her 3 days to 2 weeks to live.
i went to see david when he called. i spent 4 hours with him. keeping it together for him because he was keeping it together for everyone else.
i went to picklefish to find hily. i cried a lot on the way and while i was there. i went to her house to spend the night. i called david again. we talked for a while. talked about everything and its logical, rational reaction. that this is life and it happens. and that everything happens for a reason. and no matter how much we said it wasn't fair, it was life. i told him i wanted to she her in the hospital. he said he didn't want me to go. he said he didn't want me to see her like that. that it hurts too much. that he wanted me to remember her exactly the way she was the last time i saw her.
and in that moment i felt completely powerless. powerless over his wishes, her condition, and his pain.
i wanted to help so bad. i wanted to comfort him and his family and charlotte. but i couldn't. i had to just sit there and wait. just like him and his family.
this morning at 8:30am, charlotte carson died.

i have a new growing pain

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 18:39:10 GMT

my real father found me 6 days ago.
he showered me with money, gifts, and adoration.
frankly, i have no idea how to accept any of these things.
honestly, i want to run.
i want to hide.
i'm terrified.
my whole identity until about 6months ago has been the absence of him.
i know this is a gift.
i know that it is from god.
i just have no idea how to process it.
i keep thinking im about to wake up.

my last artshow/my 25th bday party

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:05:39 GMT

i demand love shown through appearance

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 19:47:40 GMT

Fri, 25 May 2007 23:46:32 GMT

proziumlove's LJ stalker is shakingpaper!

shakingpaper is stalking you because you got better results for the 'acronym' thing than them. They are also prank calling you regularly!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

i love them all

Fri, 11 May 2007 00:50:48 GMT

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 04:44:21 GMT

i threw up on my guide tonight. she told me to wipe my face, brush my teeth and go eat.
i did.
i love her.

these motherfuckers

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 07:24:44 GMT

and they aren't the only ones. i still need a couple more items of evidence... soon.

catchin up

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 07:30:03 GMT

time is flowing like a river. amends made, to myself and others. awake but still bumping into walls. i wish it wouldn't have taken me this long to appreciate her this way. i don't want her to leave.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:50:06 GMT

sparkles stars specks of light swaying up my sheen to my thigh to my hip to my ribs to my throat to my cheek bone to my scalp. i love to paint.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 21:25:49 GMT

tramps colored in season's new array. a strand of time undefined. make it to the next momentary lapse of reason. no machine yelling its votes. no distant screaming while riding this boat. i fear not, i fear too much.

sad

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 19:17:19 GMT

but gonnah make it. nice lovely people checking on me. nice lovely people taking care of me. usually i can't stand either but i kindah can't help but to take this.
in other news david an i rode bikes from the cellblock dwntwn all the way to hillsdale hung around some beautiful ladies at a party then rode all the way back to the cellblock. man how extreme, i feel like a body builder! i won't lie though i wanted to cry on the way home. which doesn't mean much i want to cry all the time.
riding the bikes helped me get it out. anger, saddness, powerlessness, hate, hurt, rejection, etc.
school is tomorrow, got to drop a class and have a shit ton of make up work.
my mom is going crazy. understandable.
weirdest part: through me being there during this with my grandfather, i don't think i've ever felt so connected to THE DUDE. i feel him all day. calming peace within the storm. its like he wants to just hold me.
that all i really want from anyone.

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 04:54:26 GMT

if when you put yourself in a place that only contains a few, maybe two. then when it crumbles there is nothing left. and the black swarm takes in and all you have to show for all your patience, energy, and worth is worthlessness. stop pulling away from everything and everyone you tell yourself, but you can't help it. just afraid of losing and when you collect that select few and they leave it questions everything. but you do it again. and when clarity sets in as she usually does she reminds you that even within that select few there still was a wall. mostly because you won't even unlock that bolted, rusty door. you won't dare to find the key. and so when you are sad and angry and grieving you start to question why you are even doing that because what you are grieving over didn't know you anyway. maybe thats why. i wish i could let them in. i wish i tell them all how this world that i perceive really is. the way i see the sun, the trees, the flowers, the people, the bright shining lights. i try. i try to when i paint or take their photos, but it all seems in vain. a farce of disbelief and bewilderment. it feels like a straight jacket holding me as i reach out to them. i try but i just won't let myself. i'm sure its all so very obvious. the ice-9 kindah gives it away. i am addicted to the beginning. and the sickest part is i'm addicted to the end as well.

i wrote that a couple of months ago and while deleting all that i could find of late, i read it.

when the knot in your stomach seems extraordinary. when the numbers times two seems out of the ordinary. when icecream used to top off the day. and when it goes away i am left with what i started off with. and if i can push past disappointment and disarray, i can find that i am underneath it all. still living still breathing still seeing the colors and breathing the air. still mystified still in awe, and most of all still connected. i want to say things but i know that what i have to say would not be wise to live with. what i have to give i will continue to give to those who want it.

i shot the most beautiful two rolls of film today. thats when it occurred to me that in recent hours, days, i was acting like a child whose toy was just taken away. how incredibly horrifying realization. a half-amends was made. only half because i fear in the decent future due to my reaction there will be a bigger one to come.

i am consumed with excitement and wonder with this film i am going to process friday.

i always get more than i could ever imagine.

i am jack's beaming disappointment

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 18:59:55 GMT

ps betty will be in charge today. for those of you that don't know her, she can rip your throat out with a glance.

in other news, irony. and oh how i love the floyd. it soothes me above all the rest. "...it was only a fantasy, the wall was too high...could not break free, and the worms ate into his brain"

thank god for my ladies. the two i have left in mobile. i cling to them as much as a sarahp can. which in itself is not that much, but quite enough. they make me understand that most will not understand. and as seemingly difficult that is to sit in. sometimes i can find total solace in that fact, other times i fall flat on my face only to discover a different shade of asphalt everytime.

i have also decided that no more explanations. cause that only leaves room for more questioning, and frankly i've done enough of that in the past 2 years to last a lifetime.

sometimes the weight is so heavy i can't breathe

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 03:12:58 GMT

i am dancing most of the time, being positive though it hurts.

i'm tired of all the "right" things and the "wrong" things. i don't even believe in that shit, so why am i making myself a prisoner in my own life.

today, tonight, i give up. i can not stop the way other may or may not feel about me. i can not stop people from invading coffee with my lady. i cannot stop the text messages. i cannot stop the absence of the people i DO want near. but what i can do is start over. what i can do is listen to these two girls tell me from across the room that they find strength in me. they tell me i'm amazing, and they are right. but funny thing is, i find my strength in them. so no more waiting. i will start to completely give in to the moment. i refuse to be "plagued" with "what ifs". i of all people in the world know that. and if i find that i don't want to be where i've put myself or allowed myself to be, i'm gonnah leave. i will not stick around to see how much i might be able to fix.

the most amazing thing happened when i realized this last night, i became completely verbally intimate with someone. and for the first time ever, i was aware. and i was not frightened. she knows me well. perhaps better than most. and i am not scared. and neither is she.

and after totally losing what i thought would be my only true friendship this year, i thought i would never be able to do that with anyone other than a sponsor.

she gave me that by not letting me go when i walked away. because she knows that i walk away quite a bit. she wouldn't let me leave and now i am filled with gratitude.

so we are going to be scared, danny says. yes we are. but to live is to risk. and i'm gonnah jump.

off the ride and outah line

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 05:34:40 GMT

so today was of course the day of which i saw him to tell him no. he insisted yes and tried to hand me a ring. i got my money and politely said no again. as he left i realized i had no regrets but no urge. for the first time in a long time a didn't wish him back. why? well i'll give that to ms. clarity who has divinely had a couple of meetings with me. over but the beginning is on its way.

i told a friend today that tomorrow starts one of the biggest adventures of my life. me. i haven't been there in a while and i am glad to be back. my skips are higher, my mood is ecstatic, my optimism more jovial, my sunrises/sunsets more vibrant, my smile more alive.

i''m glad not to be sick everyday. i'm glad for no more tears. i'm glad for no more loss. and if the tears ask me to see them i will invite them in, but i don't have to sacrifice ANYTHING for a long while. i can do what I WANT to do, not what i can fit in.

monday begins another long lost adventure, school. something i have been so terrified and hopeful and happy and excited about for a while. i'm taking my first art class, photography! and not just any class...a class that was held just for me, because someone thought i was worth it. someone believed in me. and still does. what an amazing feeling that is to have! i also get to take some western civ!!! mmmmhistory! all of my week starts off with 8am classes. which means that i need to concentrate on three things. none of which keep me up until all hours of the night.

lemme tell you this road that i'm on is a beaut and i am so lucky to have these two girls that love me and take care of me, i'm so lucky to have friends that care about my best interest, and a family that i can count on like no one else's...the mafia of course.

coming outah a cocoon...now the magic starts

marching on

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 22:20:36 GMT

i left i think i long while before my body followed and some part of him did as well. so now these random gifts given are meaningless and far too late to count. i gave it away. should i have kept it? i couldn't. he says a reminder of his apology for never treating me like i deserved but all i see is my complete lack of self-respect, martyr, and self deprecation.
and this year will be celebrated for me on friday and i always am thinking ahead of what i will say when i'm that dress in front of those people. and i think my biggest lesson this year is quality over quantity. i left hannah. i left david. all of which were long over due to be gone. leaving a best friend that was never there and never a friend that in the end you file felony charges against. leaving a boy that i sacrificed much more than my money, time, and energy for. i sacrificed myself. i became everything i hate.
its almost like remembering the last time you got high to remind yourself why you shouldn't ever pick up again. it was not happy, it was not fulfilling, it was not meaningful, and most of all it was not reality.
and i forgot so much of the things that i love that i've been playing catch up these past couple of weeks. and i love it. the rain has come more often than the entire year. i'm laughing everyday, i painted my nails.
i hung out with one of my closest and longest friends for the first time in about 2years today. he isn't like most of my friends. we hang out and laugh and make fun of each other and there is never any doubt there. we don't ever doubt that one will hurt the other. there is trust there. more than i have in any other person i know just about. we have no secrets or things we wouldn't say to each other.
today was a great day. i got a well needed hug from a friend that is indeed one of a kind before he left for the museum.
i did manage somehow to lose my phone so if anyone knows where i left it, let me know.

in the moment

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 02:48:52 GMT

today is my very, berry, special birfday. it started off with a card that increased the amount of tears to fall on my cheeks. went to the inspirational place this morn...saw my lady friends at work, saw my lovely guide for a couple of hours with some of my family....then i caught up with this bloke, he gave me a wonderful high fidelity made CD, and convinced him to have some coffee with me and he convinced me to got the park. i did cartwheels, squeaked when i jump down from far heights, climbed a tree...sort of, had our questions for the day, made some eyes eyes at him, listened to wonderful music with headphones in my car on the way home.

it was my day today. and "the dude" really made it beautifully overcast with ireland all around and reminded me of the first picture i ever took and told me to get on it again. so tonight i'm going to bust out the extension of myself and dress her up in my eyes. i've missed her.